I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
