I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
