I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
