thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
