I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
