I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
