He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
