she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
