We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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