I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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