The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
