just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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