we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
