is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
