Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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