In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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