Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
