Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
