My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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