Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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