I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
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I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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