He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
