watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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