He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
