but the lizard people decide everything anyway
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
