You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
