the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
