My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
