Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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