My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
