I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
