you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
