please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
