I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
