thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
