SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
