im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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