I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
