I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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