thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
