That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
