my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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