If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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