Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
