If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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