My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
