I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
wrigley field is MILF paradise
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
