based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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