fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
