I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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