oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
