This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
