you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
