no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
