Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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