her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
