i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
