he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
