I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
