Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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