I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
