note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
