Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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